Divorce shouldn’t stop you from giving your children love and stability
By Nancy Ross

When a relationship ends, everyone involved feels pain. Hopes, dreams, stability, familiarity — it all gets crashed against the rocks of loss, loneliness and hurt. No adult going through divorce or separation can escape at least some of this pain, even when it also feels like an enormous relief.
    It isn’t easy to realize that one person can simultaneously feel relief that a painful relationship has ended and profound grief when the dream-turned-nightmare is finally over. It can feel a bit like plunging willingly into a swiftly moving, ice-cold river. That’s the moment of realization that the nightmare isn’t actually over, but that it’s only changed from the pain of living together to a similar pain of not living together.
    If adults, who have more information and a certain amount of power, feel overwhelmed, lost and confusingly relieved at the collapse of the family, it’s safe to say that children, who almost never have a voice in the matter, are spilling over with sadness, fear, anger and denial. It’s common for children to refuse to speak about what has happened and how it affects them. The potential physical loss of one parent and probable stress-related emotional loss of the other can leave children feeling isolated, frightened and numb.
    Separating parents mustn’t forget that at one time they chose to bring their children into the world and they can never set aside that responsibility. Both parents are always 100-percent responsible for the well-being of their children — and that includes their emotional and spiritual health. But the two adults in charge are at war, how can they possibly cooperate?
    Impossible as it may seem, both parents must expect each other to set aside the battle and concentrate on giving their children love and security. Children need their parents to take the pain and anger elsewhere. Fortunately, though it may not feel that way at the time, the solution to setting aside personal feelings temporarily and focusing on the children is to learn to communicate. Likely the last thing in the world anybody wants is to understand their estranged partner. But that’s what happens when two people work together to creatively problem-solve about child care and the effect on the kids of ending the marriage.
    Estranged couples must learn to communicate. Whether it’s with a counsellor or on their own, each week they should try to invest at least an hour in opening a dialogue. After six weeks, there will be an enormous difference in the way they relate to each other and to the children. This doesn’t mean the end of all arguments. But it will help direct them to fight about what’s going on between each other and not about the children. Cooperating in the children’s care reduces everybody’s frustration and improves physical health and peace of mind.

Emotionally, pain causes:
• sleeplessness
• irritability
• anxiousness
• outbursts of anger
• unexpected crying
• overwhelming fatigue

Physically, pain causes:
• headaches
• flu-like symptoms
• frequent colds
• unexplained body aches
• asthma attacks
• alcohol abuse
• broken bones
• rashes

Nancy Ross, M.A., Image Relationship Therapist, Advanced Clinician, is a psychologist in private practice in Toronto.

Dear Nancy:
My daughter won’t face facts:
My eight-year-old daughter refuses to acknowledge that her father and I are divorced, although it’s been final for two years. I’ve taken her to a child psychologist and he suggested her father attend with our daughter. He refuses. What can I do?

You need to listen:
What does your former husband say are his reasons? I imagine he doesn’t want to hear his daughter’s pain, or maybe he’s afraid of being blamed. He may not know where to express his own anger and has concerns he might inappropriately express it in front of his daughter. I suggest the therapist see your former husband for a session alone. Hopefully he can voice some of his fears and feel confident enough to then attend a session with his daughter. He needs to give her a clear picture of the life she can expect with him in it, as well as the ways he won’t be in her life — where he lives, when he’ll see her. Even if she doesn’t respond, they need to recognize the losses and changes together.
    Your daughter also needs you to tell her what you imagine she might be feeling, to spark dialogue. “I imagine you’re hurt and lonely with Dad not living with us. I imagine you’re angry at us because we did something you don’t want us to do. Do you feel like it won’t be so true if we don’t talk about it?” She may not answer. That’s fine. Let her feel your attempt to hear what she is or isn’t saying.

Dear Nancy
I want to move on:
My new girlfriend has three children and I have two, ages ranging from 10 months to 12 years. I want us to all live together, but my girlfriend doesn’t. I love her very much, but I have the kids two weeks each month. My girlfriend and ex-wife hate each other.

Put your plans on the back burner:
This may not be the best time to begin to live together. I don’t doubt you love your girlfriend. I expect at one time you loved your ex-wife, too. Who’s thinking about the kids?
    Be clear to your children that you want them and they come first. Just because you and your ex-wife don’t live together doesn’t mean your children should take second place to a new girlfriend or get caught in a cross-fire between their mother and possible stepmother. Work together for the benefit of all five children. Set aside your own fantasies of the perfect life for you. You get a chance to make major decisions about your life when your kids feel safe, secure and wanted. You may need professional guidance to begin communications.