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Sex has no (upper) age limit
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If you can walk up two flights of stairs, you can be sexually active
By Wendy Trainor
“Just because there is snow on the roof doesn’t mean there isn’t a fire in the furnace.”
Sexual changes with aging are the result of gradual changes in our bodies that are part of the natural aging process. There are large individual differences resulting from various factors - from genetic predisposition, to health and lifestyle issues to attitudes towards sexuality and aging.
We live in a youth-obsessed culture, surrounded by sexual images projected by youthful models with perfect bodies. Many of us are uncomfortable with the image of our parents and grandparents expressing themselves sexually. The most devastating aspect of this ageism is that many older people buy into it. When they experience some sexual disturbance, they think this is the end of their sexual lives rather than seeing it as a problem to be solved. Sexual feelings and responsiveness can continue throughout our lives.
A natural aging process
As men age there is a gradual decline in their testosterone levels which may have an impact on their sexual response. The more common sexual changes that men report are:
• they do not become aroused as easily
• they can be less assured of attaining an erection with every sexual encounter
• they take longer and require more direct stimulation of the penis to achieve an erection
• erections may not be as firm
• decrease in the need to ejaculate at each sexual experience
• they take longer to ejaculate and the experience may be less intense
• the recovery period before the penis can become erect again may be longer.
While this slowing down can be disconcerting for men, their female partners enjoy the prolonged intimacy. Aging women report that their sex lives have improved as their husbands have gone from being early ejaculators to needing lots of stimulation before they are ready for orgasm. The emphasis has gone back to the giving and receiving of pleasure: to spending more time fondling and caressing.
Women experience gradual changes in their bodies due to a decline in estrogen production during and after menopause. The walls of the vagina become thinner and less elastic and do not expand as rapidly. There is a reduction in the rate and amount of vaginal lubrication. Women who experience painful intercourse as a result of these symptoms, should discuss them with their doctor and explain that they want to remain sexually active. Doctors can prescribe estrogen pills or locally applied estrogen creams to alleviate this discomfort.
Impact of Health Issues on Sexual Functioning
Poor health at any age can affect one’s sexuality. Anyone who has had abdominal surgery, back pain, depression, or even a cold or the flu can attest to that. Even if we are suffering from some debilitating disease, with a little creativity such as trying different positions, and maybe some help from a doctor, physiotherapist, and/or a sex therapist, we can find ways to express ourselves sexually.
Medications prescribed to alleviate health problems can also cause side affects that affect sexuality. It is important to tell your doctor that you are sexually active and want to make sure that any medication will not negatively impact your functioning.
Many people are afraid to engage in sexual activity after heart attacks. They do not want to precipitate another attack. In fact, less than half of one per cent of men with heart conditions die during marital sex, many more die during sleep. Heart attack survivors who follow prescribed directions for physical activity such as walking or climbing stairs, can resume sexual activity. If you can walk up two flights of stairs, you can be sexually active. Sex therapists often recommend a gradual process for those resuming sexual activity:
1. The recovering patient may want to self-stimulate first. This allows the person to self-monitor as heart rate increases and breathing patterns change. Or, they may spend the first week with their partner, petting and pleasuring each other.
2. The next step is for couples to engage in intercourse using positions where the recovering person takes a less active position. If the man is recovering, his wife could be on top, or they could use a side-by-side position.
3. When comfortable with Step 2, the recovering person can take a more active role.
Non Medical Causes of Lack of Sexual Expression
Older people’s sexual activities generally follow the patterns established when they were younger. Most couples started out as lovers. With the ensuing responsibilities of mortgages and child rearing and the gradual breakdown of communication, many couples fail to nurture their relationships. By the time their families have grown up and left home they may have become distant and withdrawn sexually from their partners.
Attitudes more than anything else impact on sexuality. There is no evidence suggesting that sexual activity needs to end at any age. People feel younger and more alive when they maintain a sexual relationship. The relationship may change over time, but it is there.
There is a myth that women stop being sexual after menopause. In fact, when sexuality ceases, in over 90 per cent of the cases it is the man’s decision. When he experiences erection and ejaculatory problems as a result of the normal aging process, he begins to withdraw sexually. Problems occur when men panic, thinking they may never have an erection again. This “performance anxiety” constricts the blood flow to the penis and further inhibits erections.
Unfortunately, when a man or woman withdraws sexually from his or her partner, the touching, warmth and intimacy that is a basic human need throughout our lives tends to be withdrawn also. People who are in good health can remain sexually active in their 80s and beyond. Keep your relationship and your body in good repair: maintain a healthy weight, drink moderately, or not at all. If you have sexual problems, visit your doctor with your partner to get the best assessment. There is help. Be sure to seek it out!
Wendy Trainor, M.S.W., C.S.W., Clinical Member, O.A.M.F.T., is a Toronto-based individual, couple and family therapist who specializes in sex therapy.
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